Appearances matter. It’s a fact of life. Anyone who’s been on a job interview or invited to a wedding or other formal affair knows that to be true. A look at the overwhelmingly casual nature of our culture might make it seem that job interviews and formal affairs are the only places that appearances matter. 

This is simply untrue. Appearances almost always matter, but they matter for reasons many of us don’t realize. Often our appearance matters because of the effect it has on ourselves. 

I feel safe in assuming that most men reading this article are either discerning marriage or actively looking for a wife. When you land a date with a potential wife, your first impression will be a lasting one. You want to send the message that you are an adult, capable of handling the obligations of being a husband. You want your appearance to be one of maturity and responsibility. In short, you want to have the bearing of a grown man. 

Perhaps even more importantly, your appearance sends a message to your date. It is a sign of respect to dress maturely and neatly. Dressing appropriately can put your date at ease. Women are highly conscious of the signals that a man’s appearance sends. If your appearance is unkempt, she may think that you don’t know how to take care of yourself, or she may think that you don’t even care enough to make yourself presentable to her. And yes—it makes you more attractive. And here’s the kicker: 

Dressing like a grown man can help you become a grown man. 

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I think it’s important here to address some potential objections and to clear up some possible misconceptions before I offer reasons why dressing like a grown man is important. One misconception is that: You’re still a “good guy” no matter how you dress. Like it or not, the way you dress creates an impression in other people’s minds. The way you dress can help you change how you feel about yourself; it changes your impression of yourself.

But, keep in mind that this is not an attack on self-worth. I realize that the suggestion to “dress like a grown man” can sound like an attack. You might respond, “I am a grown man. The clothes I wear don’t make me a grown man.” This is true, of course.

What I offer here are merely tips to help your appearance reflect who you are. Hopefully they are helpful ones. First, keep in mind two points.

1. It’s not complicated. If you feel lost about what to buy, ask someone you know who dresses well. Ask a woman you trust and have her go shopping with you. Ask a parent or a relative. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, there are several sites online where you can find guidance.

Men’s styles tend to be timeless. Simple, conservative, easy to follow; it’s really hard to go wrong if you stick to the basics. Try a site like The Art of Manliness. They have whole style guides—everything from how to put together a low cost wardrobe to how to iron a dress shirt. You need to know how to put yourself together.

2. You don’t need to spend a lot. This is not about money. It’s not about being fashion-conscious. It’s simply about attention to the impression you wish to project. You’re not trying to say, “I have money.” You’re trying to say, “I’m an adult man and I’ve got my act together. Take me seriously.”

If you need to buy new clothes, you can do so without emptying your bank account. Several discount clothing chains sell names brands and overstock at reasonable prices. And you can often find nearly new, quality dress shirts, ties, jackets and other items at thrift stores for next to nothing. With a little effort you can put together an outfit that will cost less than the money you spend taking a date out to dinner. Iron your shirts and use a can of spray starch. Polish your shoes. Shave. If you have a beard, keep it trimmed.

Changes outside lead to changes inside.

The truth is that many, if not most, of our internal changes are begun by outside forces. Because there is such a heavy emphasis on feelings and our “gut” these days, we often wait around for a revelation or an internal stimulus to tell us how to act.

We spend far too much time looking inward for validation when, in fact, we can change how we feel and who we are by what we do. Often we have to do those things when we don’t feel like doing them if we want to become the versions of grown men that we aspire to be. If you dress the way you did in your teens and twenties when you are in your thirties and forties, you will find it difficult to progress.

Increase your confidence.

Sprucing yourself up for a date can actually give you a little more confidence. You’ll feel more at ease. Self-assured. Let’s face it—dates can be stressful, especially first dates. But if you take some time to get ready, it can have the effect of a pre-game ritual. Your mind will actually be sharper. You’ll feel stronger and more focused. You’ll have more fun and you’ll be more engaged. And she’ll notice, believe me.

Tone up other areas of your life.

I am an usher at Mass, and I always wear a suit. I feel more present at Mass. I feel suited up, ready to receive the sacrament, ready to start the week and face the world and all of the obstacles in my path. The clothes I’m wearing aren’t magical, it’s just that they effect a change in my internal state and I am more disposed to receive the grace we all need.

You never know where you might run into someone you want to impress.

Running to the bank, library, post office, or grocery store don’t require a dress shirt and well-polished shoes. But it’s good to avoid the temptation of running those errands in a faded concert t-shirt and cargo shorts if you can help it. Simply replacing them with a golf shirt and a nice pair of casual jeans can make you feel more confident (and mature) if you run into a potential employer, future business contact, or a woman you want to ask out.

Feel like a grown man.

They say if you want to become a certain type of person, do the things that type of person does—even when you don’t feel like it. Sometimes it’s as simple as that. If you want to feel like a grown man, one place to start is to dress like one. You may be surprised at what happens.

It’s important to remember that changing your wardrobe is not a cure-all. I’m not suggesting that men remain single because they are not snazzy dressers. What I am saying is that big changes can start with small changes. Changes inside can come from changes outside. Changing how you look can change how you feel about yourself, and that can lead to changes in what you do and how you navigate life.

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